Alexander Outland: Space Pirate Read online

  I remembered him. Herion Military, if his uniform had been any clue. Tall, rippling muscles, built like a battle cruiser and, if Slinkie’s reactions to him were any indication, extremely handsome. I wasn’t short, puny or ugly, but that guy had outbid my ante before I could get close to the game. “Yeah. I think he was hot for Randolph.”

  “Hardly. He was from Herion.”

  “Time to go.”

  “Yes, but not for that reason. There’ve been some weird accidents around here. He told me that the last things anyone got from the ships was that their alarms went off, but they couldn’t find anything wrong. Usually they were talking to Herion Mission Control and then… nothing. The rescue ships only found traces of ships. Like… like they’d been vaporized.”

  “Or hijacked by someone who knows what he’s doing,” the Governor said, and he didn’t sound peevish. “Alexander, this sounds familiar, from many years ago, before you were born.”

  “Great. Plotting coordinates now.”

  “Nap, don’t plot, just fly.” Slinkie’s voice was tense.

  “Why?”

  “I have something on my scanners now. A lot of somethings. It’s time to remind us all why we fly with you.”

  I flipped to full manual. “Because I’m the best pilot alive.”

  “Please do your best to be able to still say that tomorrow.”

  “Will you sit in my lap again if I get us out of this?”

  “I might even have sex with you.”

  “Wow. It’s that bad, huh?”

  “Yeah, Nap. I think it’s worse.”

  CHAPTER 4

  Slinkie wasn’t kidding, I could hear it in her voice. “Slink? Can’t see what I’m supposed to be flying away from.”

  “Attack shields engaged!” She seemed focused.

  Randolph hit the auto-helper. “Captain, would you like Ultrasight assistance?” The auto-helper had a pleasant, soothing female voice. It drove me crazy.

  “Ya think?”

  “That’s a yes!” Randolph didn’t mind the auto-helper. Sometimes I got the impression they were dating. I mean, he’d even named it. “Audrey, we have invisible attackers.”

  “Going to Ultrasight now, Chief.” The auto-helper called Randolph Chief because he was our head mechanic. He was our only mechanic, but there were times not to argue semantics.

  A film went over the windshield and suddenly space was crawling with scaries. Because of how it worked with and against the hyper-drives, Ultrasight—which allowed you to see literally everything, including sound and anything cloaked—used up a lot of power, which was why we normally didn’t have it on when we were flying. Most spaceships didn’t even have it installed. Only huge battle cruisers and their ilk could manage hyper-drives and Ultrasight at the same time.

  There were a dozen ships out there. Most of them were larger, but none of them actually looked like military ships. However, they still resembled an armada. They weren’t shooting at us, which was good. They were maneuvering to net us, which wasn’t.

  “We’re in trouble.” I hit the thrusters and started Evasive Maneuver #206. I had a lot of evasive maneuvers. Normally I saved #206 for when I needed to impress someone. Right now, I used it because I didn’t want to be captured.

  “Radio communications are jammed,” Slinkie said. “I can’t raise Herion Mission Control, and I can’t communicate with any of the ships out there.”

  “Military?” Randolph asked as I spun the Sixty-Nine like she was a prima ballerina while also weaving through the air erratically.

  “Nope. Well, not official military.”

  “Pirate armada.” I knew the Governor wasn’t looking at any of this. He sounded very sure.

  “Right. At least, pretty sure you’re right.” I spun us past three different attach cables. If they hooked onto us, the magnetism would hold us in place—only a few pilots had ever gotten free from an attach cable and had a ship left to talk about. I was one of them.

  However, it wasn’t good for the ship or the nerves to let an attach cable hook you, so I was focused on avoiding them. The capture nets held between several of the ships made this a little more difficult, but not impossible.

  The laser cannons, now, they were starting to head things into the realm of impossibility.

  CHAPTER 5

  “Laser cannon warming up,” Slinkie shouted. “It’s going to take longer because of the Ultrasight.”

  “Have to make the tradeoffs. Take your time, I’m fine here.” I flipped the Sixty-Nine end-over-end, which meant most of the laser shots missed us. The couple that hit glanced off. “Structural?”

  “Looks fine so far. Think we can make Herion?” Randolph asked.

  “Doubt it. Can’t jump, either.” The Sixty-Nine was outdoing herself—a couple of times I wondered if she was going to split apart, but she held on and we did the dance together no one did as well as the two of us. Of course, I was glad we all had anti-motion sickness meds pumped into our systems on a daily basis, because flying while puking is harder than it sounds.

  “So, pretty much, we’re screwed.”

  “C’mon. It’s us.”

  “Oh, right. We’re completed and utterly screwed.”

  I managed to dodge another set of laser shots. They had us surrounded, like we were inside a big spaceship ball. The only positive was that they had to be a lot more careful about where their shots went than we did. They were closing the gaps though, and soon we wouldn’t have any maneuverability at all.

  “Any time, Slink. Really. Any damn time.”

  “Firing laser cannon in five… four… three….” Slinkie’s voice was back to calm. Shooting things always made her feel better. “Two…one.”

  The blast shook the ship, but I was ready for it and allowed the shock to spiral the Sixty-Nine even more erratically. Another attach cable just missed us. Unfortunately, the laser shot didn’t hit any of the ships. Which was odd, since Slinkie was a damned good shot.

  “So very screwed,” Randolph muttered under his breath.

  “Maybe.” I could see where the laser shot had hit. “Slink, really, when are you going to marry me?”

  “Never. Do I need to spell it out for you?”

  “No, I got it.” I hit the thrusters and raced for the two biggest ships. The ones holding the biggest net. “Let’s just cohabitate. Who needs legality? Not me. I’m the poster boy for anti-legality.”

  “Nap? Why are you heading for the net? Are we trying to make it easy for them?” Randolph shoved back in his seat, braced for impact.

  “I’m not heading for the net.” Flip, dodge, reverse flip, triple axel, end-over-end, and through the hole in the big net Slinkie’s blast had created we went. “I’m heading for freedom.” We spun past the ships, righted, and then I hit the boosters and the thrusters at the same time.

  We shot away like a Libsuno after, well, another Libsuno. They were an active race, and they liked to play chase almost as much as they liked to get caught.

  I, however, did not like getting caught. I was determined to put significant space between us and the armada.

  “Ships are following, Captain,” the auto-helper said.

  “No kidding. You want to offer anything helpful or you just chatting?”

  “Don’t talk to Audrey that way.”

  “Randolph, it’s a computer program.”

  “Audrey has feelings.”

  “We need to get you planetside, and fast.”

  “I programmed her to have feelings.” Randolph sounded hurt. “And she does.”

  “How about her voice? Did you program that to be consistently calm and cheerful, just so it would drive me crazy?”

  “No. I think it helps keep everyone relaxed if Audrey sounds like she’s relaxed.”

  “She’s a computer program!”

  “Nap, stop shouting at Randolph,” Slinkie said urgently. “They’re really coming after us. At top speed.”

  “Think we can make Herion now?” Randolph asked, still sound
ing upset.

  “No idea. How far?”

  “Suggest evasive actions, Captain,” the auto-helper said calmly. “Would you like rear-view?”

  “Ya THINK?”

  “Stop yelling at Audrey!”

  Rear visual superimposed over front. It was freaky and caused migraines until you got used to it. “All the ships are following us. Why? We have nothing, and we look like we have less.”

  “They want the ship,” the Governor said. It didn’t sound like he was suggesting so—he was stating it.

  “So, while we run, dodge and, please Lord Avian’s Handmaiden, we shoot the damned cannon, why don’t you tell us what you think we’re up against, Governor?”

  “Laser cannon firing in five….”

  “I really don’t want you yelling at Audrey,” Randolph said truculently. “And I think you should call her Audrey, too.”

  “It’s a long story, Alexander.”

  “Estimate time to destruction in fifteen seconds, Captain.”

  “Three….”

  “Everyone shut up! What was that again?” Silence. “Sorry, what was that again… Audrey?”

  “Estimate time to destruction in, now, ten seconds, Captain.”

  “Why? In one second.”

  “Engines are overstrained.”

  “Don’t fire the cannon! Ultrasight off! Rearview off!” I counted. “Audrey, we’re past ten seconds. Do we get to live?”

  “Yes, Captain. Until we are shot by the ships in pursuit, who are both gaining and firing.”

  “So, if I’ve got this straight, we can’t see them, shoot at them, or run away from them?”

  “We can continue to run, Captain. Estimate pursuing ships will overtake us in one minute and closing.”

  “Herion’s at least ten minutes away, going balls to the wall.” Randolph sounded resigned. “You know, Ziggy still owes me fifty creds.”

  “For what?” When you’re about to die, sometimes the inane and innocuous seems like a good thing to focus on.

  “That shipment of chickens from Aviatus. He bet me that the roosters would kill each other. They didn’t. Instead, they ran at each other and then ran away.”

  “Because you’d drugged them.”

  “Whatever works, Nap. Isn’t that what you always say?”

  I thought about this. “Chickens.” I felt an idea hit so strong it was like an electric shock. “Slinkie, get ready with the cannon.”

  “Why?” She sounded like she was just this side of crying.

  “Because we’re going to attack.”

  CHAPTER 6

  I spun the Sixty-Nine around and headed right back, towards whatever we were headed back towards. I couldn’t see them now. Just looked like empty space.

  “Audrey, are you able to help Slinkie to target the main ships?”

  “Yes, Captain. Thank you for acknowledging me as a separate but equal part of the ship.”

  Great, I had the Emancipated Program on my hands. “Yes, fine, good. Trying to stay alive here, Audrey. Think you can help accommodate that desire?”

  “Yes, Captain.”

  “Slink, calibrate the cannon for short, spraying shots. I want a machine gun, if you can do it.”

  “If it’s a gun, I can do it, Nap.”

  “Great. Fire when ready. Oh, and Audrey? Please feel free to let us know when we’re overstraining the engines again. Preferably before we’re less than a minute away from exploding.”

  “Noted, Captain.” Well, at least the auto-helper still called me Captain. It hadn’t always been this uppity or demanding. Or capricious. At least, I considered sharing imminent destruction as late as possible to be capricious. Maybe Randolph found it sexy.

  “Firing now, Nap.” The ship shook, but I could tell Slinkie had gotten the gun set up like I’d wanted. There was a steady stream of white bursts flying out towards nothing. The same nothing we were heading for at top speed.

  “Nap, are you just planning on us going out in a blaze of glory?” Randolph sounded against the blaze of glory idea.

  The laser shots hit. Explosions lit up in front of us. “Nope. I’m planning on playing chicken.”

  “Isn’t that a sort of archaic choice?” Slinkie sounded just this side of freaked, even while firing. She must have estimated our chances at less than nil.

  “Yep. Old and yet still effective. Right, Governor?”

  “I don’t care for your insinuation, Alexander.”

  “I’ll worry about it if we’re still alive in five minutes.” It’s hard to fly evasively while programming the hyper-drive at the same time, but the desire to survive and potentially have sex with Slinkie was a strong motivator.

  Our laser shots were hitting and where they weren’t they were identifying escape options. There seemed to be a narrow space between two of the ships—if there was a net there, Slinkie had ripped it to shreds. But from the way the laser shots were sailing, it looked like empty space. And our only option.

  I kept the Sixty-Nine at full speed, heading towards what I was hoping was one of the main ships. They weren’t firing at us much, more warning shots than shots intended to destroy. The Governor appeared to be right—they wanted the ship. My ship. No one was going to take my ship until they pried my cold, dead body out of the captain’s chair. Which was probably the idea, only the attackers might have been open to a warm, dead body. I was open to neither.

  “Nap, what are you doing?” Randolph’s voice was moving up into the register where it seemed like he was trying to hit the high notes to cover the female singer’s part of the opera.

  “Nap, I’m with Randolph. We’re going to hit the ship in a second.” Slinkie sounded stressed again.

  “Slink, keep shooting. Randolph, shut up.”

  “Ships are veering off to avoid head-on collision, Captain.” The auto-helper sounded calm. As always. Sadly, it didn’t make me relax. Then again, I was better under pressure.

  At what I took to be the last possible second, based on laser hits, I jerked the Sixty-Nine to the left, spun sideways, and headed into what I was now actively praying was really a path through.

  “Audrey, as soon as we’re through these other ships, I want you to let me know.”

  “Yes, Captain.”

  “Nap, what are you doing?” Randolph’s voice was back to semi-masculine.

  “A little trick I like to call ‘staying alive’.”

  “We’re through the ships, Captain.”

  “Hang on, gang.” I hit the hyper-drive button and we jumped.

  CHAPTER 7

  The jump lasted less than a minute. I hoped it was going to be all we needed. And that I’d coordinated right, because if I hadn’t, we were going to go splat in a really spectacular way.

  We came out in Herion’s atmosphere. “Oh, I’m good.” Time to talk to the folks on the ground. “Herion Mission Control, this is vessel Three-three-six-nine, requesting immediate landing. Have been attacked by pirate armada and wish to get the hell out of the air.”

  “Roger that, Three-three-six-niner.” Male voice. Very official. “Coordinates uploaded to your ship’s computer. Welcome to Herion.”

  Landed smoothly. I didn’t like Herion much, but there were advantages to a planet under martial rule—things tended to run on extra-crispy.

  “Audrey, please search for any outstanding warrants for any crew personnel, past or present, for Herion or their surrounding planets.”

  “Running, Captain. All crew cleared of last several warrants. Only outstanding warrant is for Jack Rock.”

  “Ah. Audrey, please advise the Herion Master Computer that Jack is serving time on Omnimus. Herion can add onto his sentence with them.”

  “Done, Captain. The Master Computer asked me to share Herion’s appreciation of your adherence to their laws.”

  “I live to stay within Herion’s laws.” I did. Because living outside of them was dangerous, especially while in their vicinity. Their military tended to run to the same type as had warned Slinkie
about our invisible attackers—big, strong and mean.

  Slinkie and the Governor met me and Randolph at the hatch. The Governor looked none the worse for our little escapade. Not that he looked good. I’d known him for what seemed like forever but was really only about five years, and even five years earlier he’d looked like he wasn’t dead only because someone had forgotten to bury him. But for a frail old man, he still had it. I wasn’t sure what it was, exactly, but he had it.

  He also knew how to play up being ancient. Slinkie normally found the Governor annoying, but she was the one who always helped him in and out of the Sixty-Nine. The Governor used these opportunities to cop the cheap feels. I envied him like no other man alive.

  “Ready to be the best-behaved crew in the galaxy?” The three of them nodded. “Then let’s go, make our report, recharge the Sixty-Nine and ourselves, and figure out how to get back into space, pronto.”

  I hit the hatch release and the door lowered to the ground. As captain, I went first. This was always fun, since those on the ground could see me well before I could ever see them. I’d never had someone shoot my legs out from under me yet, but in a couple of cases, it wasn’t from their lack of trying.

  Got down without lasers firing. So far, so good. Complement of Herion Military waiting there for us, standard procedure, especially since I’d radioed about an attack. The others joined me.

  “Nap, I think I recognize the major,” Slink whispered to me. I knew without looking she wasn’t moving her lips. We’d all learned that trick ages ago.

  I took a closer gander. “Oh, it’s your boyfriend,” I whispered back in kind. “You know, the one who’s probably married. Or likes men. Or even animals. Maybe all three. You never can tell with that type.”

  Sure enough, he recognized Slinkie. Sadly, he beamed a smile at her, said something to the others with him, and strode over. He strode impressively. I really hated him. I watched Slinkie out of the corner of my eye—she was standing up very straight, chest out, casually flipping her hair around. I decided to loathe him.

  He reached us, clicked his heels together, and gave us—well, Slinkie—a short bow. “How good to see you again.”